3 min min read - March 16, 2019
Depression is not something I would expect to feel. Not very often. I can clearly recollect moments in my life when it took over. Or maybe something else like grief or anger was there and depression was an easy label for them. But in general, my traces of psychopathic personality shielded me from it.
Yes. Psychopathic. Not like the Hannibal Lecter, but to my very shallow understanding of human psychology that's something that could explain loads of my decisions, actions, feelings or lack of them. I had very few professional assignments but each time they focused on out of the box thinking, cleverness, positivity. They never focused on emotions. I think it's because they weren't ever essential. What helped me many times in my life and made it even more difficult was this strange ability to look on myself in the third person perspective. Just asses my currently held emotion and calculate if it's right to keep it or feed it.
It helped to park grief or sadness when they struck very hard. It helped to release anger in short while of the explosion when I really needed a catharsis. It made me behave like a total asshole when I had to put rationale over human relations. It made me behave as an even bigger asshole when I was a young lad who wanted to get fun. In the end, it helped a few friends, when what they needed was sugarless direct talk, shake, break and reassemble. It failed me in the friendships because I simply don't feel the urge to keep knocking to people lives and ask how they are doing. It helped me as a father as most often I can calmly discuss misbehaviour instead of using any form of violence. It challenges me as a father as I know how much warmth and care is important for my boy.
Have I ever been diagnosed with it? No. Do I think I have traces of it - sure. Do some people agree? Yes, some people who I am sure to have it too, and even stronger every time were able to see it. They only often forgot that I had a good upbringing and taught respect, so I never went down to their levels of cruelty and self-affection. And most often I learned to not give a fuck about what they (and many other people think). But with all of that, I sometimes feel a weltschmerz. Like now. What gives me a very reason to write this post. So how it could be. Actually, there are wise people who can explain it. I can't disagree with them. You see, when you learn to value simple things and keep your life as a simple, enjoyable journey, you can miss the turbulence. When you have to (want to) compromise, care, you stop your instincts. When you learn to not give a fuck about others attention, you lose fuel. And when you care about people close to you, you start judging yourself hard. And I do. I know that I am overeating diet hypocrite. I know that I have a problem with finishing what I started. I know that I enjoy seeing people who put other life and health at risk (ie. by dangerous driving) are being punished. I know that I have deeply senseless expectations about my own success that bring no good. I know that I'm addicted to nonlethal risk-taking. I know I'm addicted to a thrill and challenge. I know that even in this blog post there is seeking for attention, feeling of uniqueness and 5 seconds of fame.
But I am lucky. Not only because I can write it all on a blog that hardly anyone will read, but still my confession will allow me to "flush it out". But also because I have someone who takes me as I am. And learns me how to chill. So this inner pain will fade. Like it always does. To be honest I feel like I could just eject it at any point. But doing that too rapid will make it come back with twice the force.