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Locked out

2 min min read - November 15, 2020

It may sound like I wanted to complain about the lockdown, but it's more a coincidence in words. I don't mind the lockdown now and understand the cost and damage of it. But I even like it. It's more difficult to keep fit, but easier to look after the close ones. I mean, the closest ones. The family unit. With other connections, it's a bit different. Well. I've always been a bit of loner. I had loads of connections and in some environments were quite recognisable. But I never had too many very close people around. It's not their fault. It's mine. Very rarely I find people interesting. I respect them and care about my collective, but when it's dismantled for some reason all fades away. Even though, I don't feel to a bad about it. I respect that people have their lives and loyalties. I'm here for them, but I don't like to push into their lives.

I always envied my brother for having strong, lifetime friendships. Also, my wife is better with it than me. I just don't have enough to check in with others on daily basis. If I do that, it's on monthly or bi-monthly, more often random. Do I miss them? Yes. But having that most of my closest contacts live in the different timezone, political or cultural reality than us now, it's really difficult to keep up. I even avoid news from Poland, as what happens in the UK is often more than enough.

All of this is not new and somehow I got used to it. What is more recent and makes me confused is that I want to be even less connected to the outside world. I was one of the first around me to get a blog, MySpace or even Facebook (though with Twitter I always struggled). Now, I find any social network less interesting. I browse my Youtube favourites and cannot choose anything. Movies, series... even next turn on Civ6. All kind of fade away. I enjoy my work, but as a set of goals. I like the new lockdown routine where I create a neat list and make the box ticked. On the end of the day, I close my laptop and focus on the family. But I feel less and less need to stay in some sort of collective even professionally.

I miss the wildness. I miss the deep forests, rapid rivers. I enjoy a spider plotting web in my garden or pimping my budget commuter bike in the shed. I'm an immigrant, in a place where on each street there are at least a couple of houses for rent/sell all the time. Where you hardly ever know more than two neighbours. Where people constantly move in or out. And now people avoid each other for the sake of health.

Is it just me getting older? Or is it me getting numb? Or, is the world getting less and less interesting?

Maybe except those few kind souls in my flat. Like I live on a desert island just with them. And I rally don't mind it.

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What I write here may sound bad for some people, even offend them. I understand and tolerate movement towards "body positivity". Anyhow, I also see the dark side of it. Body positivity often hides or even promotes a lifestyle that leads to disability and premature death. As a person who lost very early a parent to an unhealthy lifestyle, please allow me to oppose that movement. I respect it but consider wrong and harmful.

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4 min min read - November 7, 2020